i spend too much money on reading

i'm reading non stop lately. i can't stop.
i never liked books until i graduated from college. but ever since 2002 i read all the time.
today i will concluding stephen kings mega novel, "under the dome". at 1,074 pages and 10lbs it has been my heaviest book to date. what a story. the town of chester mills, maine has been trapped in an invisible dome for one week. best king book yet.



i got to get a library card today. my barnes and noble spending is getting out of control.

i'm fucking obsessed with LOST

i've waited 9 months for this night. oh my. if i had one fantasy wish it would be to be on the island as one of the castaways. i wouldn't care if i got shot at or killed by the smoke monster. i just want to be there. i want to taste the dharma peanut butter. i need to dip my toes in the crystal blue ocean. i want to kiss alex. she's dead, shit.

my attempts at a career

1. i went to the school of visual arts to major in film so i could be a famous film director. i settled on a major in film editing and got my b.f.a. in 2002. shortly thereafter i lost my passion and love for anything artistic.
   
2. a started up my own dogwalking service in 2002 and sort of thought i could hire other dogwalkers so i wouldn't have to do so much physical work. those dreams vanished after i moved out of nyc and thankfully ended my first serious relationship.
3. i bartended and waitressed for the next 8 years with a rather, gung ho attitude on getting out...................
4. i landed a poorly paid job as a t.v. editor for nj 12 news in 2003. i was stressed out by this job because of my lack of self esteem so i ended up having a giant panic attack one early morning and just walked out of the studio.
   
5. after watching animal cops one night in 2004 i decided to take my love for cats and dogs a bit further and become a certified animal control officer. once completing the two week training course and my two ride alongs with crazy out of their fucking mind animal cops, i opted to junk the idea because i didn't think i could lift raccoons out of dumpsters with my bare hands.
6. in 2005 i thought i should do something with my college diploma so i thought i should become an alternate route high school art teacher. i passed the praxis by 1 point but didn't follow up on anything else.
7. in 2006 i became a vet tech for $9 an hr. between the money and the horrible two office managers i had at both animal hospitals i was in furry hell.
   
8. then came my destined path to be a restaurant manager. i thought hey!....this is the natural step after bartending for so long. i was the manager of a wine bar for three months after being promoted from bar manager. i worked an average of 55 hrs a week at $40,000. my cell rang on my days off with questions of purchase orders and staff problems and was expected to come in to work on a moments notice if my gm was sick. i did the work load of 3 people. booked parties, did weekly schedule, payroll, manage staff and most importantly...be at the beck and call for the two rich owners. so after two years of loyal service the wealthy owner fired me because i handled a disgruntled customer by myself and reluctantly relayed the info to him. pardon me for trying to handle something on my own and wanting to shield him from it. so i was fired 4 days later even after my gm fought for my job. after all these years of nervously hiding from careers and self confidence issues i decided to buck up a write him a letter telling him that i was so sorry for what i did (or didn't do) and that i think he should give me a second chance. i mean, i had worked 3 private parties for him and knew him and his family for 2 yrs.
   

he wasn't even man enough to write me back.


being unemployed for 4 months has really made me think. do i want to keep going and try yet another new career path that might be "the one", or should i just keep at the bar thing that has always been there and has given me quick unreliable money?
the problem is not the paths i choose. its me. its so me.

jobs i've "had" since the age of 14

1. bagger at kings supermarket...6 months
2. babysitter...4 years
   
3. movie theatre worker...1 year
   
4. cashier at sizzler...3 months
   
5. bakery worker...6 months
   
6. t.a. at nursery school...1 year
   
7. nj childrens museum worker...6 months
   
8. dogwalker at biscuit and bath...3 months
   
9. bartender at crabhouse...2 weeks
   
10. t.a. for sva fcp room...1 year
    
11. bartender at the den...on and off for 6 years
12. bartender at sophies...2 months
    
13. cocktail waitress at chelsea billiards...1 night
14. bartender at single rm...2 nights
15. waitress at two boots...1 night
    
16. dogwalker reddog bluedog... 1 year
    
17. waitress at tgif's...3 months
18. bartender paramus rest...3 days
    
19. editor for news 12 nj...1 month
    
20. waitress at chilis...3 months
    
21. bartender at clydz...2 years
22. bartender at mediterra...2 months
23. vet tech at vca...3 months
24. waitress at pf changs...3 days
25. vet tech at applegarth...3 months
26. bartender at tapastre...6 months
27. bar manager at daryl...2 years
28. bartender at tavern...3 months

i don't have the best track record.

what a difference a week can make

i ended up in the emergency room this past monday night in atrial fibrillation. i was in it for almost 48hrs and had no idea my heart was fluttering like a butterfly. i could not stand up or breath very well so i had jenn take me to RWJ Hamilton at 6pm monday evening and ended up being admitted for two nights. my mother has had A Fib for thirty years and i have watched her suffer with it before she had her ablation surgeries to correct it. i really don't want to take heart medication for the rest of my life so i think surgery might be in my future.
in one week i found out i can no longer have caffeine, smoke the occasional american spirit or booze it up. i also had an epiphany about working in restaurants. simple. i don't want to anymore. i'm going back to school in the fall. i'm sure i will have to bartend on the side but as for making it a long term plan i really would rather do something else. i'm getting older and working nights really doesn't sound very appealing. i basically don't want to be one of those 40yr old bartenders that goes from job to job to job. at 31 i'm finally getting my head on straight. what the fuck took me so long? new career plan to come.

i am craving bitters

it might be time to type up a resume. i'm starting to feel the bug again. i miss slinging in the weeds.

i can still talk about liquor even though i'm not behind a bar

my drinking habits have somewhat changed recently to my surprise. i no longer drink red wine. my beer intake has slowed drastically and my love for scotch has fallen by the side of the road as well. lately ive been drinking jack daniels like the lynchburg factory has been taken over by terrorists. its all i crave. that and jameson. right this minute i'm drinking a svedka vodka and cranberry that i found in my liquor cabinet because i didn't feel like spending money on booze this evening. i feel so cheap.